United parenting, the best way – tips and tricks

20190519_171749.jpg

Parenting in the same page is not an easy task for current generation parents as we all grew up with speaking our opinions out loud. But, when we see our parents back then, they are somewhat be in the same page when it comes to parenting us. At least my mum’s decision will be always correlate with dad’s decision without even they discussing with each other. Me in the other hand has to always discuss everything with my husband (generation change you know).

Parenting in united front is always a most discussed topic with no clear answers. There are a lot of questions around this topic like:

  • Is it healthy for kids when parents are in same page without expressing their opinion?
  • Will it make my kid grow opinion less?
  • Parents being in different page will bring any development issues?
  • Is is okay when one parent is involved in a kid? and the questions goes on.

20190519_171638.jpg

In my experience the smaller the child, the higher the unity of parents is important. It doesn’t mean parents should not have any dissimilarities, obviously every human have their own point of view. What I mean is healthy debates are always good which should be conducted calmly and respectfully in front of a kid. I would like to share my way of united parenting which helps my daughter in certain way. For some it might work and for some it may not. If you want to take it and give it a try then here you go:

Keep your child’s age in mind: As I said earlier, it depends on your child’s age. It is more important for parents to be in same page when your kid is in their early years i.e., below 6 years. This is because in this age they don’t really know to distinguish the world in black-and-white terms.  This will gradually disappears between the ages of six and 12. See to it that, it will make your child’s life lot easier if you work out your disagreements and keep them private.

Never pull your spouse down: Even for fun don’t use certain words like mommy is wrong or daddy is wrong to little kids. It will make them thing may be mommy is always right or daddy is always right. This will always give mixed messages to kids and not knowing what his/her parents expect can make things harder.

Find a common ground: When you and your spouse really have disagreements then find a chance to discuss the issue and try hard to find common ground and understand each other’s perspective on the issue. And keep in mind to talk it through outside zone of your child considering whatever age the child be.

Stop your ego and concentrate on your kid: When you both come to an agreement always keep in mind the starting place of your discussion (which is your child), which will help you and your partner stay on-message. Remember that your discussion is not about who wins the argument.

Involve your partner even in their absence: When your child asks for something and you are in the position to take your own decision or you both took the decision and only one parent has to speak about, then convey that “both dad and me think that it’s really important for you to do this or buy this.” But it doesn’t apply to older kids and also not with big decisions.

Be consistent: When you have an argument and whether it’s an agreement or disagreement, be consistent in it. Don’t change your decision after two days it will create confusion in your child. At times one cannot come to an agreement and even when you disagree, support your spouse’s  decision.

I hope these little tips helps your parenting and brings positivity in parenting. It’s not easy to be a pro in parenting. Parenting comes always through practice and it’s not always same. I always take advises and tips from different ends and end up with my own parenting, and I think it’s a best and effective way for parenting. According to me good parenting should always come from both ends and the involvement of both father and mother plays a key role.

wp-1506417234163.

Advertisements

How parental insecurity affects the child and things to avoid it

Every human have some kind of insecurities and  it’s quite normal to have such feelings of self-doubt sometimes. Few carry those insecurities in some part of their life, whereas few live with those insecurities for their whole life. But in one stage of life these insecurities which you have will really start affecting the other person, it’s nothing but a parenting stage.  Yes, its starts affecting your kids very early in their life.

As a kid I always grown with some kind of social fear and always needed someone to push me forward (even now sometimes :)). So, before having my child I decided that, I should not show my insecurities to her and wanted her to grow independent and self deprived. But, once I had my daughter, I realized having the thought alone doesn’t gonna work because, even as a small kid she picked my fears whenever I stumble in something. Kids are highly intellectual when comes to picking even small nuisances from their parents, say it good or bad. These behaviors that children can easily learn through observation. Sometimes I stress how this behavior came to her, without even realizing that I am the person showing her how to behave like that, through my actions. We are the examples for our kids in each and everything.  I write this blog for myself as a greater recall down the line about the things I want to follow as a parent to avoid such insecurities affecting my kid. I hope this post helps parents like me.

BeautyPlus_20190320110120664_save.jpg

Calm and balanced parenting really works:

Kids are prone to questions. When our kids ask something, even a silly, no sense question, be sure that you don’t panic or get mad. The best way of hiding your insecurities is staying calm and balanced, and make sure to have a good interaction with your child, which will make your child to develop the same behavior you showed them. If you find difficultly in staying calm and balanced, you can always seek a medical help or through yoga or meditation.

Don’t take your social insecurities to your kid:

Nowadays everyone is facing some kind of social pressure, which is unavoidable but being insecure about certain things and taking those to your kids is not okay. For instance comparing your kid with other kid and constantly telling this to your kid will lead to worse. Your kid will start believing that others are better than him and that he is incapable of performing well or living to the expectations of the parents. This feeling will damage his/her self-worth and self-esteem.

Listening your kids:

Have a conversation with your kid and let your child tell you what he/she needs from you. You are indirectly teaching your kids to listen to others by you listening to them. Never underestimate their feelings. Always be their support system and make sure you don’t pass on your insecurities to them. Trust your kids which will make them to trust the world.

Don’t ever show your emotional imbalance to them:

Being relaxed  in every situation is not easy but being over reacting to certain situations like your child’s illness, injury etc., will definitely pass on your insecurities to them. Convey them that you are with them in whatever they do, thus you are teaching them to be independent and also safe and secure.

Use your experience to help your children:

In your entire life you’ve likely developed a toolbox of coping strategies for your insecurities. If you think your child have genetically inherited certain insecurities like yours then you can pass along to your children some strategies you’ve learned and developed.  In my case I always have the fear of unknown, so I always make sure I learn as much as I can about a new situation before I make that first leap. Now, I use that for my daughter in few instances.

As I always say parenting is not easy, when you decide to grow a strong minded and healthy child. This can be done only as a parent you override your fears and stand confident in front of them.

wp-1506417234163.

Dealing with mixed emotions being a parent – few tips for best approach

Bildergebnis für managing the emotions as parents

In this fast changing world, parenting seems subject to changing styles and it somehow became a competitive sport. Parents get keep on tracking their kids for better manners, habits, and behaviors, forgetting the single most important skill for “positive” parenting over the course of our kids’ lifetimes is our own self-awareness and self-regulation as parents.

Parenting is an intensely emotional experience which comes with two extreme feelings. One is the pure pleasure of cuddling, playing, laughing, exploring, and deep sense of connection and love and on the other hand the emotions are mixed with feelings of frustration – things like losing their odd life, financial independence, career, spontaneity, time with their partner and friends and  feeling trapped by the huge change that has completely taken over their life and sense of self. These mixed emotions will make a parent (especially mom)  to think that their identity as an individual has been replaced by that of ‘parent’.

So, it’s highly important to manage our feelings as a parent, because these mixed emotion will deeply affect the child’s mental health in future. Here are few tips which I learnt through my experience and would like to share with you:

Controlling our emotions. This is the foremost thing every parent should follow. We all have a bad day but when it comes to kids they are not like adults to sense your stress and keep calm. Kids needs their parents attention so, instead of showing your stress to them, giving them that 5 minute attention, keeping everything aside will make a huge difference in the kids attitude. After giving them the 5 minute attention you can slowly tell you need a little time to rest. It will definitely work. Give it a try!!!

One day my daughter and me were returning home from the kindergarten by bus, she always wants to sit in the particular seat before her friend do, but it doesn’t happen that day and she threw a big fit, while her adorable friend gave her the seat and stood in the bus for the whole ride.  Tuning in my feelings into anger or disappointment, I just took few deep breaths to clear my mind (I am not perfect still!!!! ) and calmly said it’s not always possible to sit in the same seat and its ok to be disappointed. She understood and gave the seat to her friend by herself the next day.  Key is to think the best way to respond. Where remaining calm is a hard work (still I am learning :)) and it will definitely pay off in future.

Bildergebnis für managing the emotions as parents

Little distraction will do.  When your child doesn’t listen to you and asks for five more minutes of cartoon time, game time or playing time and hates you for not giving their extra time then instead of being mad and yelling at them just try to distract them, by giving your kid a big hug, by doing this you are letting them know that you hear their frustration and empathize with it. If this doesn’t work just distract them with a silly funny dance which can turn the tides. It not only relieves the kids frustration but also your stress.

Bildergebnis für managing the emotions as parents

Bildergebnis für dance with your kids

Run out of the situation for a minute. When your child cannot calm down and having hard time just take a time out instead of being in that moment and reacting. This way you can prevent yourself from the negative emotion ruling you. Giving a time out for yourself, will make you and your kids mental status to calm down. “You have to be in control of yourselves if you want them to be in control of themselves.” As the quote says it’s a great tool to control negative emotions and help in channeling your emotions in a right way.

wp-1506417234163.

 

Fascinating things about German parenting in my view as an Indian

I delivered my baby girl 3 years ago in Germany.  The initial months of settling down and adjusting to motherhood was a big deal for me like every other new mom out there. I had a great confusion how am I going to raise my child in a different country? It’s totally different from my life back home in India. In my process of parenthood  I came through many fascinating things about German parenting. I would like share my view on those with you all.

Academics comes late. Children start their Kindergarten in 3 years and they stay there until they are 6 or 7.  German parents don’t push their kids in their academics they  think Kindergarten is a place meant to play and social learning. Teachers here don’t encourage academics until children go to primary school. No learning or writing ABC’s until primary school. I would worry sometimes whether it’s too late for my child to start her academics but still it’s so refreshing and new. I totally started embracing this unstructured play way kind as you are going to be 4, 5 or 6 only once.

00_GERMAN_SCHOOL_UPSTATE_Children_Hand_Up

Practical moms. Leaving kids outside alone without any supervision is very common thing in many German families. German parents are concerned about safety, of course but they usually focus on where the kids play, not the abductions, as stranger abductions are very rare in Germany. I remember an incident when I was shocked to see a kid drinking water in glass cup and asked “what if the glass cup breaks?” and a German parent who was standing beside me said “not to worry , I have an excellent medicine for cut”. Parents will never fight for their kids instead they let them fight for themselves, for e.g., if one kid takes the other kid’s toys away, we consider they are not good at sharing but Germans say the kid has to stand up for him/her more, the kid needs to take her toy back or fight.

As green as possible. Es gibt kein schlechtes Wetter, es gibt nur falsche Kleidung! As the proverb says there is no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing. I realized it when my daughter fell sick frequently during winter as I was keeping her indoors most of the time.  No matter how the weather is, parents still bundle their kids up and take them to park everyday.

IMG_20170820_185211777

IMG_20170325_111223044

Kids on their own. German kids become independent way earlier than other country kids.  It’s a culture where responsibility is taught by allowing their kids to walk and play on their own, they trust their child is capable of doing things responsibly. German prize independence in children, which can feel a little strange to someone brought up in an Indian home like me.

IMG_20170820_184458324

Bikes without pedals. When I first came here, I was clueless why the kids riding this kind of bike instead of pedaled ones as I never saw such bike back home. Later I understood it’s a good way to learn balancing in cycling . This push bike takes pedaling out of the picture so your child can concentrate on balancing. And when they are ready for a pedal bike, they will pick it up much faster as they are already comfortable balancing.

strider-l1-8

Life balance. I admire this quality in Germans. Germans work a lot and they seem to be workaholic but on the other hand Germans value their time at home each day, and many women work part-time so they can spend more time with their kids. People just naturally manage to live well, with work and spending time both playing an important role for them.

As a person from a different country it is very fascinating to see the difference in the culture especially in parenting. It’s a great place with world-class culture and I am trying to incorporate the good qualities of German parenting along with my own culture. At-last it’s such a wonderful place to be a mother or a child.